Upcoming: An Introduction to Attachment Theory and Therapy in Manhattan
“Respect the child. Treat him as a person. The best thing a person can feel is to be accepted as he is, not as he will be when he grows up, but as he is now, right this very minute.”
The Marlene Meyerson JCC in Manhattan is a tremendous resource to families, and on February 7th I’ll be there chatting about attachment theory and attachment-based interventions for families.
Over five years ago, I was introduced to Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and dove into the model in an effort to help families that weren’t responding to - or had benefited from but stalled in - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Often, I was working with kids who had experienced abuse and/or neglect in their early years, had invisible disabilities and were often labeled as manipulative, lazy or resistant. Their parents and other adults around found it difficult to manage their behavior. They struggled to connect with them emotionally. The kids rarely felt safe and mistrusted the intentions of others (including mine). I needed to work more relationally, explicitly and experientially.
DDP strengthens the parent-child relationship, creating conversations that integrate affect or feeling as well as reflection and thinking. It helps parents to make more sense of what might be behind or underneath a child’s confusing and concerning behavior. And, it helps kids, with a caregiver alongside them, make sense of their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as their past experiences. Their story or narrative about themselves and their life becomes coherent, accurate and adaptive.
Central to this model is PACE. More than an intervention, PACE is a way of being and helps kids feel safe. Playfulness isn’t about telling jokes or putting a silver lining on an experience. Playfulness creates hope, lets kids experience the delightful and humorous parts of themselves, and allows kids to know that conflicts are temporary. Unconditional Acceptance, as described above by Fred Rogers, is at the core of safety. It means accepting, without judgment or evaluation, a child’s inner world—their thoughts, feelings, wishes, urges, and motivations underneath the behavior. Curiosity helps kids begin to understand their inner life and our desire to understand it too. Empathy allows a child to experience a caregivers compassion, let’s them know that others understand, and that they are not alone.
Try being PACEful with your partner and with yourself.
Since being introduced to DDP, I have worked hard to be PACEful and to support parents, caregivers, teachers, and clinicians in learning this way of relating. I am honored to see parents feel more effective, parents and kids feel more connected, and to be with families in both hard and joyous moments. I am looking forward to sharing more on the 7th with the JCC community.